The Top 10 FBI Techniques for Building Quick Rapport (Non-Game)

FBI agent Robin Dreeke, in his book It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone describes the most effective methods for building rapport in any situation.

Here’s a summary of his techniques:

1)   Establish artificial time constraints.

Most people don’t mind having a conversation but they dread being trapped in an awkward one. 

E.g. Hey I’m on my way out but ____.

Have you ever been sitting in a bar, an airport, a library, or browsing in a bookstore when a stranger tried to start a conversation with you? Did you feel awkward or on your guard? The conversation itself is not necessarily what caused the discomfort. The discomfort was induced because you didn’t know when or if it would end. For this reason, the first step in the process of developing great rapport and having great conversations is letting the other person know that there is an end in sight, and it is really close.

2)   Use accommodating nonverbals

Make sure your words and body language are congruent and both are non-threatening.  

A simple smile is the most powerful nonverbal technique, as Dale Carnegie let us know.  Extracredit if you tuck your chin, tilt your head slightly and approach from an angle.  Another technique is to mirror their body language, emotions and vocal inflection.

When you walk into a room with a bunch of strangers, are you naturally drawn to those who look angry and upset or those with smiles and laughing? Smiling is the number one nonverbal technique you should utilize to look more accommodating. In Dale Carnegie’s book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” it is principle number two of six.

3)   Speak Slowly

Quick speech can sound nervous and jumpy, not confident. Crazy people speak quickly; self-assured people pause and speak slowly.

When individuals speak slowly and clearly, they tend to sound more credible than those who speak quickly.

4) Ask For Help

When a request is small, we naturally feel a connection to those who ask us for help.  This can also lead to further compliance as per the yes-ladder and Benjamin Franklin effect.

Have you ever felt a pang of guilt for turning down someone seeking help? I have personally found that there is no greater theme and tool for eliciting individuals for action, information, and a great conversation than the use of sympathy or assistance. Think for a moment about the times in your life when you have either sought assistance or been asked to provide it. When the request is simple, of limited duration, and non-threatening, we are more inclined to accommodate the request. As human beings, we are biologically conditioned to accommodate requests for assistance.

5) Suspend Your Ego

Avoid correcting people or anything that could be interpreted as one-upmanship.

Just listen. You don’t need to tell your story; just encourage them to keep telling theirs.

Suspending your ego is nothing more complex than putting other individuals’ wants, needs, and perceptions of reality ahead of your own. Most times, when two individuals engage in a conversation, each patiently waits for the other person to be done with whatever story he or she is telling. Then, the other person tells his or her own story, usually on a related topic and often times in an attempt to have a better and more interesting story.  Individuals practicing good ego suspension would continue to encourage the other individual to talk about his or her story, neglecting their own need to share what they think is a great story… Those individuals who allow others to continue talking without taking their own turn are generally regarded as the best conversationalists. These individuals are also sought after when friends or family need someone to listen without judgment. They are the best at building quick and lasting rapport.

6) Validate Others

The simplest way to do this is to listen.  Specific techniques include being thoughtful and encouraging.  Examples:

– Minimal encouragers, e.g. uh huh, yes, I understand

– Reflective questions, i.e. repeat what they say as a question

– Emotional labeling, e.g. that must have been frustrating, scary, excitin

– Mirroring, e.g. emulate their body language, emotions, vocal inflection and even breathing

– Paraphrasing, i.e. rephrase what they have told you

– Pauses, i.e.  create time to think and give the person an opportunity to speak

– Summarize, i.e. much like paraphrasing but covers the entire conversation and serves to eliminate confusion or help solidify discussions for future reference

The simplest validation that can be given to another individual is simply listening. The action doesn’t require any proactive effort aside from the incessant need each of us has to tell our own story…

The difficulty most of us have is keeping from interjecting our own thoughts, ideas, and stories during the conversation. True validation coupled with ego suspension means that you have no story to offer, that you are there simply to hear theirs.

7) Ask: How? When? Why?

Ask open-ended questions and employ conversation threading.

One of the key concepts that every great interviewer or conversationalist knows is to ask open ended questions. Open ended questions are ones that don’t require a simple yes or no answer. They are generally questions that require more words and thought. Once the individual being targeted in the conversation supplies more words and thought, a great conversationalist will utilize the content given and continue to ask open ended questions about the same content. The entire time, the individual being targeted is the one supplying the content of the conversation.

8) Quid Pro Quo

Some people don’t speak much. Other times you listen too well and people feel self-conscious about talking so much.

In these two cases it’s good to give a piece of personal information for every one they reveal to get a flow going.

A simple technique to get the conversation flowing is to begin with a “third-party reference”. A “third party reference” is where you discuss something not about you or the other person to initiate a conversation.

In my experiences, there are really only two types of situations where I have utilized quid pro quo. The first and more common of the instances is when you attempt to converse with someone who is either very introverted, guarded, or both. The second instance is when the person you are conversing with suddenly becomes very aware about how much they have been speaking, and they suddenly feel awkward. In both instances, giving a little information about you will help alleviate some of the issues.

9) Give A Gift

Reciprocation is deeply wired into human nature. When you offer people something, they will naturally feel the need to help you in return.

It doesn’t have to be a big box with a bow on it. Offering someone anything, tangible or not, counts.  E.g. breath mints, gum, compliment.

Most people would feel badly if they received a gift and forgot to say or send a thank you note to the giver. When someone does you a favor you most likely want to reciprocate with gratitude. Great rapport builders and conversationalists use this desire proactively during every conversation. This technique, coupled with ego suspension, are the cornerstones for building great relationships. This is also the easiest technique to utilize, because gifts come in many forms, from non-material compliments, to tangible material gifts.

10) Managing Your Own Expectations

If you don’t manage your expectations properly it can lead to disappointment, resentment and anger.

Play it cool. Focus on the other person’s needs and don’t let your expectations rise.

When we are able to shift or manage our expectations, we reduce potential disappointment. When we are disappointed, we sometimes get angry and may even hold grudges and get hurt feelings. These emotions are not conducive to healthy or long term relationships. These emotions are definitely not conducive to developing quick rapport. The best technique to avoid these emotions is to manage expectations.

The Right Attitude

And what does Robin say is the best attitude to take when trying to build rapport? Make sure the other person walks away better for having met you.

Before I use these techniques or send any class out to practice these techniques, I remind myself and them of one everlasting rule that will dramatically increase your probability of success; it is all about them. The only goal I have either for myself or the individuals I teach is that in every interaction the other person should walk away feeling much better for having met you. You should brighten their day and listen to them when no one else will. Build that connection where others wouldn’t and you will have mastered both conversations and quick rapport.

Becoming a giver not a taker

So I was wondering whether I’m a bad person.  I’m generally concerned with myself and my own needs and that’s not bad in itself but I take it a step further and resist trying to help people.  Why?  Because I’m jaundiced from past experience.  Let me break down what happens when I try to help someone:

A: Hey, B do you want some help with that.

B: OK.

A: Alright, there you go.  That was a lot of work.  I hope you appreciate it.

B: Meh.

Let’s analyze this interaction from an evolutionary perspective.  Man is a social creature and we evolved to cooperate.  A great incentive to cooperate is reciprocity, so whenever you do something for someone you can expect a payment in kind at some point in the future when you need it.  It’s like putting favors in a bank.  The more you help others the more help you can count on when times are tough, for example after getting wounded or growing old.  Not surprisingly we all have a deep desire to help others – our survival depended on it.

Where things go awry in the foregoing interaction is my expectation.  I expected, as we are programmed to, that B would be appreciative or at least demonstrate his willingness to help me in the future (as an aside that is a great way to show gratitude).   In this case B didn’t seem to value my contribution but the scenario could just have easily been one where B is actually hostile as a result of the contribution, e.g. I did something not to his liking.  In the worst case B could have taken my help with no intention of helping me later, but that’s difficult to recognize until after the fact.  None of these scenarios are beaming adverts for cooperation and with no expectation of reciprocity it’s hard to justify helping others.

But the problem wasn’t in B’s response.  It was in my own expectation of his response.  I was letting my ego get tied up in the process.  I thought my contribution was more important than it was or at least I felt it merited my aggrandizement in the form of B’s adulation.  Ego isn’t a bad thing.  It’s actually pretty great, it’s the source of our individualism and our constant yearning to do things better and greater.   The problem happens when we incorporate both ego and cooperation in the same interaction.  It’s hard to fault someone if they can manage that successfully, after all it scratches two evolutionary itches: the desire to be worthy of praise and the desire to help others.  But in practice ego gets in the way of cooperation by forming an admixture of condescension and unrealistic expectation.

For example, have you ever told someone they’re doing something wrong (or even insulted them about it) and then offered the right way to do it?  The ego is trying to aggrandize itself at the expense of someone else.  But at the same time the social part of your brain is trying to bank favors for the future.  I’m sure you can guess what happens: the person gets offended, doesn’t accept your help and even tries to knock you down a peg.  Your ego doesn’t get the boost it was craving and you don’t bank any favors for the future.

The better approach would be to separate ego from reciprocity.  What I’m saying is that you should suspend your ego when you want to help someone, that way you’re neither offensive nor disappointed by the outcome.  In practice this means, for a moment, forgetting about your needs and focusing on the other person, namely by navigating their ego.  This is also a great way to get out of your head and become present to the moment.  Now I’m not saying you should act on every urge to help someone, remain judicious and take care of yourself first, but if you have been reluctant to be a “giver” in the past maybe you will benefit from this change in approach.

My takeaway:

There’s no such thing as good or bad but thinking makes it so.  I don’t know and I don’t really care if I’m a bad person, or at least I don’t care if society says I’m a bad person.  What matters to me is achieving my goals.  That’s what I want to be good at.

On helping others:

Generally you get the most return from helping people who with no expectation of kindness.  So, for example, helping some girl in trouble has extremely low return while conversely helping a business associate or upset client might have a huge return.

-Augustine

Productivity Tips

Schedule according to your temperament.  We all have to hue to our circadian rhythms.  We are limited by our biology.  The time after waking is usually our more mentally acute and creative.  It is prudent, then, to schedule demanding tasks accordingly and to avoid any kind of diversions that would fritter that time away.  Likewise, during the lulls, it is effective to schedule less demanding tasks and reinvigorating breaks such as checking email, lunching and socializing.

Shun distraction.  It’s not what you DO, it’s what you DON’T.  Distracted minds are unfocused minds.  Every time you flit between tasks you expend precious mental resources.  This goes for Facebook as much as it goes for real life.  Don’t let people dominate your time with their problems.  To concern yourself with the affairs of others consumes energy and time and is simply too high a price to pay.  This doesn’t mean becoming a hermit, but rather turning your phone off when you need to get work done and remembering what matters.    Studies suggest clutter serves as a distraction also.

Focus on one thing at a time.  Study after study has confirmed multitasking not only vitiates pace of work but also quality of work.  We evolved to think sequentially.  This however does not hold true for any kind of perfunctory task, e.g. walking, which we can be done while being engaged by something else.  Generally, any task which has become habituated and can be done without thought is OK to multitask.

Use time blocking.  I’m fond of the pomodoro technique but many will find longer blocks more effective.  If you’re reading or researching you may prefer shorter 20-30 minutes blocks to maximize what science has determined as our maximum attention span.  Conversely cognitively challenging tasks like writing may require at least 30 minutes of mental priming and subsequently longer 90-120 minute blocks of focus.

Take short, refreshing breaks.  As we deplete our focus and attention we must recharge.  Studies suggest we can sustain full attention for approximately 20 minutes, after which we need a short 1-5 minute break to allow neurotransmitters to settle.  Breaks are also useful for calming the mind and reducing our allostatic load.  A stressed mind is ineffective and prone to distraction.   Our circadian rhythm undergoes 90-120 minute cycles which may occasion longer 10-15 minute breaks.

Relax and be positive.  Relaxation lowers stress leaving us healthier, calmer, and more energetic. A positive attitude quiets the amygdala (fear center) and gives us a better perspective on reality.  Conversely, a negative attitude can lead to fear, anger, sadness and self-doubt which increase our levels of stress.  Stress and anxiety shift the brain into reward-seeking behavior, thus undermining even the most stalwart determination.  Strategies for lowering stress include: exercise, sports, meditation, napping, socializing, listening to music, reading, walking, yoga, and any kind of creative hobby.  (The least effective strategies are gambling, shopping, smoking, drinking, eating, playing video games, surfing the Internet, and watching TV or movies for more than two hours.)

Use lists and reminders.  Your brain is for thinking, not remembering.  Write things down instead of expending energy keeping them at the front of your mind.  Use a constantly updated to-do list for your everyday tasks.  You can use ABC prioritization to make sure you’re doing what really matters, not reshuffling bookmarks.  Likewise weekly, quarterly and miscellaneous lists will help you adhere to your plans as you progress.  I use Google Keep and Google Calendar.

Get good nutrition and sleep. Books are written about this, I’d recommend reading at least one.  Your brain runs on glucose so it benefits from low glycemic index foods which maintain a steady blood sugar supply throughout the day.  Nutrition is also important for your sleep, if you’re eating foods that don’t jive with your genetic disposition it doesn’t matter how early you get to bed, you’ll have fitful sleep.  It’s cool that your friend can eat all kinds of terrible food and stay in great shape – you’re not him. Some supplements are referred to as “nootropics” because they enhance cognitive function.  I won’t go into detail, some of these really work for some people – if you’re curious look into it.  The same goes for energy supplements that don’t act as stimulants – generally anything that boosts mitochondrial function will help e.g. CoQ10.

Further study: There’s a few excellent books I think anyone struggling with motivation or efficiency should read, they include the following:  The Will Power Instinct,  Your Brain at Work, and Willpower.  They’ll more than make up for the time investment.  I believe they’re all available as audiobooks but it might be better to read for internalization.  And as a bonus, any of the Truth About Success videos from RSD are great.  There’s a world of good information out there, if you have problems there’s probably a solution somewhere.  There are things we don’t even know we don’t know, so read as much as you can, take in as much good information as you can.  If you’re ever doing something perfunctory like cleaning or commuting, turn on an audiobook.

-Augustine

Keys to Success

“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow.”

―Thomas Paine

Everyone can succeed.  But it won’t happen overnight because success is not a right.  To exceed mediocrity you need a plan, a plan to fight.  Everyone can live their dreams.   But to achieve high heights one cannot expect simple expedites.   Success is not benefaction, talent or kismet but action, gallant and solicit.   Hard work and an intelligent plan, that’s what you need, you must not shirk, like a negligent catamaran. Be ready to bleed.  Decide what you value, what you are willing to sacrifice, and be ready to run. Take my advice; have fun but stay clear of idle vice, be nice and for everything else the following should suffice:

Know what you want.  Money, fame, recognition, happiness, these things can be had if you want them badly enough – if you want them as badly as you want to breathe.  But I won’t lie, it will be tough. The first key to success is a burning desire that starts to seethe.  Weak desire brings weak results.  Be sure you believe before you begin your consults.  Ask yourself what you want and why you want it.  Have a purpose, start performing. Have a reason, to get up in the morning.

Be ready to sacrifice.  There’s no such thing as a free lunch.  Your monkey brain wants to minimize effort in a crunch.  That kind of thinking will never amount to much.  You have all of eternity to be dead, but how long to get ahead?  Be a giver not a taker, don’t be misled and watch how much you get instead.  Ask yourself what you’re willing to sacrifice – pay the price, whether its money, time or giving up a vice.  Do whatever it takes, your reward awaits.  You must be willing to give up who you are today for whom you want to become.  This isn’t one and done.

Develop a plan.  Don’t expect a helping hand.  Figure out how to get what you want.  Become your own confidant.  Study others who have attained it, their successes and their stresses.  Learn from your own mistakes.  Brush off the shakes. Take advantage of your advantages.  Failure is the normality but not necessarily the reality.  The world is mediocre because being otherwise is hard.  Cultivate a habit of excellence and it will keep you in high regard.  Remember failure has no alibi and success needs no explanation.

Believe in yourself.  Be patient and enjoy the small victories. Learn to trust yourself by always doing what you resolve.  Be willing to burn the boats, be willing to lose it all.  You can do more than you think, fatigue is a feeling. You could do it if you were dealing – with a gun to your head.  Your journey will leave you scarred, maybe jarred, you may need a workup. But it’s hard to lose if you never give up.  Face a fear every day, soon you won’t run away.

Act NOW not later.  Procrastinate the procrastination.  Don’t listen to your monkey brain, it will drive you insane.   Control what you can, ignore what you can’t.  Excuses are abuses.  Don’t borrow from tomorrow.   Be consistent, be persistent.  Employ regiment and routine, it will make the formidable serene.  Value yourself and your time; it’s not a crime.  Don’t count the days, make the days count.  Execute every act of your life as though it were your last.

Anticipate failure.  Arrogance begets ignorance.  Give your full effort and when you fail you will progress not regress.  Be patient for results, but impatient for action. Ultimately it’s not what happens but whom you become that matters.   Work on yourself, do the rest, climb ladders.  Remember fate’s tests are greatest on the eve of success.  Don’t be discouraged.  Every adversity carries with it the seed of an equivalent advantage.  It’s a great thing even to have attempted a great thing.

Don’t rest on your laurels.  Let us remind, the world is a dynamic place if you’re not changing with it you will be left behind.  Know that success is difficult to attain and even more difficult to sustain. Relish the mundane for everything you do is preparation of frame.    Be ready to pursue new opportunities.  Be ready to take action.   Be ready to fail.  Don’t look back.  Don’t look ahead.  Look right in your stead.  It’s a privilege to be working towards your dreams, until you’re dead.  Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.

Stay modest.  Don’t flaunt your success, it’s for the best. Don’t tempt fortune, it never rests.  Don’t judge others, weaknesses are addressed.   Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.  We are the summation of our experiences and inclinations.  If you were someone else you might also be rattled.  Be grateful for the experiences you’ve had for they have made you who you are.  Let the success of others drive you to seek challenges and raise the bar.

Non-resistance.  Life is hard.  The people who handle it well don’t think everything is swell.  Instead, they go with the flow and find things easier.  Eventually winds change and things become breezier.   Nothing stays the same, not even our troubles.  If you’re down, hold your head up high and remember why you do what you do.  Be prepared to struggle and be prepared to juggle, we all encounter setbacks, setups and sidesteps too.   It’s okay to drop things as long as you pick them back up.    Things can always be worse; you’ll find a way through.

Create a Master Mind group.  Build a troop of positive people.  Get rid of the negative and deceitful.   Friends who share ends pay dividends.  Make rational decisions through your coterie.  Don’t rationalize your decisions for a self-imposed fee.  Value sincerity but remember that criticism is only as valuable as the cohort.  Don’t forget, your friends are also there for support.  What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.

Hyperopia.  Sometimes we become too consumed by our achievements and agreements.  Work is good and we know you would if you could.  But sometimes we need repose to overcome our throes.  You will find there is always more to do.  But take solace that interest will accrue.   And everything will still be there when you’re anew.  You’re getting better and better, you’re a go-getter.  Remember people rarely succeed unless they have fun.  Indeed, try to laugh before you’re done.

With a belief in yourself, a powerful plan and the impetus to persevere I have no doubt you will succeed.

-Augustine Dr. Seuss Pastiche

Masculinity Is Not A Virtue: It Is Virtue

English is an oddly charming language. In essence our entire lexicon for abstract thinking stems from borrowed words, directly and indirectly with little conjugation, largely from arcane and entirely dead languages. The result is that a word like “magnanimity”, has little correlation to the rest of the language.  You either deduce its meaning from context or look it up.  So, along these lines, uncovering the etymology of terms can present an engaging exercise which often divulges a deeper, yet erstwhile meaning.

The word we’ll be investigating today is ‘virtue’. Its meaning has broadened since adoption by the English language.  It originally came from the Latin “virtus” but has come to encompass anything that is aligned with ‘good’ and antithetical to ‘bad’ e.g. the ‘Seven Virtues of Catholicism’. This use of the word would have us think virtue represents any and all admirable qualities. To the Romans however, virtue existed alongside beneficence, dignity, honor, probity, and many other qualities we refer to today as virtues.

So what, then, did the Roman’s mean by virtus? We may begin to answer by understanding the root of the word, namely “vir”.  Vir simply means ‘male‘. As such, the direct translation of virtus is manliness, with the suffix -tus corresponding to the English “-ness”. Therefrom we derive our meaning of virtue: utter masculinity, existing in contrast to those qualities considered infantile and effeminate. Virtue is not humility, it is conviction; not sympathy but camaraderie, not deference but domination. The virtue of masculinity directs us to say what we believe, to take responsibility for ourselves, and to persevere despite adversity.  It clamors that we not stand still but move forward.  It commands that we supercede levity with gravity.  It charges us to be brave, not out of fearlessness, but because inspite of our fears we remain resolved. It is the wellhead from which springs the desire to accomplish and the aversion to wallow.

Labienus, one of Julius Caesar’s lieutenants, said to his men on the eve of a crucial battle:

“Display to us, your leaders, the same virtue you have ofttimes displayed to your general: imagine that he is present and actually sees these exploits.” (eng: The Gallic Wars – Julius Caesar, VI.viii)

“praestate eandem nobis ducibus virtutem, quam saepe numero imperatori praestitistis, atque illum adesse et haec coram cernere existimate.” (ltn.)

I exhort you to act with this same manliness, with virtue, in all that you do. Imagine the men you admire are ever-present and act as witness to all of your deeds.

Avete atque valete
-Arius

 

Are you becoming the person you want to be?

“Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of everyone of its members.”

-Emerson

From a young age we are socially conditioned into paths, interests and personalities.  You are this, Timmy.  Jimmy is that.  This and that are a farce.  You are so much more, so much more flexible than the identity which society foists upon you, an identity, mind you, that is formulated on your most inchoate experiences.  Instead of lifting limits as we develop, society creates them.  So many good men are locked in the prison of social conditioning, behind cells named “introvert”, “clown”, “nice guy”, “loner”, “nerd”.  And so effective is this confinement that even in solitude we find ourselves kept from escape.  Society turns you into the prison guard of your own allegorical cave.

Society dictates your values, your culture, your ambitions, in essence your life.   Go to school, get a job, get a wife, and raise some kids.  Nowhere in society’s dictums do we find contemplation, passion,  inspiration, or self-fulfillment.  On the contrary, we may find pre-packaged thoughts, beliefs and routines.  We are stricken with fear at the thought of realizing our potential, realizing our reality, because we have never seen anything beyond the purview of accepted sensibility.  This is a state of arrested development.

How do we escape?

Cast off the chains of social tyranny.  Reject groupthink, that is thinking in terms of what the group expects.  We do this not for the sake of contrarianism, but rather, for the sake of personal development.   In order to grow we must become free and uninhibited.  You must stand up, reject the shadows on the wall and break free of your shackles.

Begin by accepting yourself.  Your insecurities, your shame, your dejection, all of it is a function of fabricated constructs which we no longer oblige.  You have been dealt these cards so you may as well play them.  You can flounder when you’re dead.  At this time you may have some reservations; indeed, without society, you may lack values, boundaries, and ambitions.   Take time to reflect on these subjects, if necessary think back to your childhood.  You may be surprised by what you find.

Realize that nobody owes you anything.  Nobody is responsible for your needs but you.  As the Bhagavad Gita tells us, we can choose our actions but not the results.  To expect is to attach one’s self to an outcome.  “Attachment is the root of all suffering,” said Lao Tzu.   Instead of attaching the self to external transience, take validation from within.  Seek action not for the result but for the intrinsic merit of accomplishment. Verily, inaction is a graver error than failure.

Learn as much as you can about the world, about its tyrants and heroes.  Read.  Reading is thinking with someone else’s mind.  How can you know what you want from life if you haven’t discovered it?  Use great men as your role models.  When in doubt, consider what they would do in your stead.  Be serious about taking action but blithe about results.   Treat triumph and disaster just the same.  Don’t take yourself too seriously.

How do we grow?

Become fearless.  Hecato of Rhodes said those who cease to hope will cease to fear, for fear and hope are two sides of the same bond.  Realize each adversity carries with it the seed of an equivalent advantage.  Obstacles are in fact paths.  Do not be afraid of making mistakes.  Perfectionism is the enemy of greatness.  Failures provide opportunities for growth.  Rejoice in your setbacks for they are proof of progress.  Laugh at yourself, life is absurd.

Believe in abundance.   Your mind is a curious thing, it will focus in the direction it’s pointed.  If you’re worried about scarcity, you will find scarcity everywhere.  Conversely, if you believe in abundance, you will see opportunities everywhere. Eschew failure, think about success.  Play to win, not to not-lose.

Become entitled.  Understand that “life is a just employer; he gives you what you ask.  But once you have set the wages, you must bear the task.”  If you don’t feel that you deserve something you will never get it.  Entitlement is like burning the ships behind you, you are left no choice but to strive for success.  There is no greater motivation than to ‘sink or swim’.

Cut the fat from your life.  Negativity is infectious.  Negative people, like crabs in a bucket, will seek to pull you down to their level before you escape.  They will do this furtively and perniciously.  Weigh the effects of a person in your life not by the sentiments they arouse but by their objective impact – were you better off before or after they came into your life?  You may be surprised by whom you decide to let go.  Discontinue imaginary escapist diversions, viz. video games, television and pornography.  You will not need them where you’re going and they will act more as a tether to indolence than anything else.

Develop self-dominion.  Self-dominion is command over oneself.   Learn to trust yourself, not arrogantly or combatively but inherently.  Confidence is the reward for courage.  Do things you fear.  Cultivate self-discipline and willpower through keystone habits.  Keystone habits are habits which impact all facets of your life e.g. regular fitness, diet, reading.   The key to developing a keystone habit is replacing bad habits with good habits.  For example, if you’re bored, instead of playing the newest Halo of Duty for stimulation, try hitting the gym or watching a MOOC.  Over time you will build a craving for the latter that not only outweighs the former but is many times greater because it is rooted in something earnest.

Self-Actualization

Stop blaming.  Blame transfers agency from you to someone else, it’s petulant and puerile, dangerous and ridiculous, vulgar and foolish.   It connotes a lack of control over yourself and others, it telegraphs powerlessness.  In fact it rarely serves to any benefit and more frequently exacerbates the issue.  Don’t be mad that people are the way they are, they’re exactly as they’re meant to be – you are the one imparting unmet expectations.  Keep advice to yourself unless solicited.

Live in the moment, be present. Excess attention on the future leaves you anxious and ineffectual.  Excess attention on the past leaves you sullen and rueful.  In reality we can never know what to expect from the future and the past is never quite as we remember it.  There are times to look ahead, to plan, to deliberate and even recalibrate.  Spend that time wisely and then look ahead no more.  Likewise, there are times to reflect and perhaps repent.   Make peace with your past and then focus on the present.

Spend time alone.  The crowd brings out the worst in all of us.  This is a natural outcome, for that which we have in common with most others is also that which we are least proud of – our baser qualities.  Solitude affords a man communion with himself.  His deepest motives, values and ambitions can only emerge through honest introspection.  Ask yourself tough questions.  Carry this composure of solitude with you everywhere, even in the company of others.

Ground yourself.  Give way to neither love nor hate.  Say nothing and believe nothing with unshakeable conviction.  Take care of yourself first before you take of others.  Finally, be positive and believe in yourself.  For, if you already expect nothing, are planted in the present and grounded in your temperament the world will throw itself at your feet.

I’ll see you in Valhalla

-Augustine